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Friday, June 13

Words of Wisdom -- 20 Jack Handy quotes highly applicable to daily life

“I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.”

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

“Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.”

“We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”

“It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”

"When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”

“When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.”

"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks.

“Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?".”

“The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?”

"If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin."

"I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick."

"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."

"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'"

51 people bored enough to comment:

Joe H. The telemarketer stick said...

You know, I think I should try that vine man trick!

Jack Bauer said...

Rofl -- those are awesome...I'm going to have to try a few of those to see if they work...like the meat one!!!!

Roozer said...

"We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

NICE, BETH!

Thanks! I was laughing pretty hard!

Special Steve said...

Missed one..

Jumping Jacks are hard... When you step on them.

rachel w said...

LOL!.. those are great!

Tavia said...

Keep up the good work.

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